FYDB

I wrote the first (quoted) part of this while at work. Ill advised I know. The second part I wrote when I got home. Both parts I posted to the Netbehaviour.org mailing list.

Dear Internet Spies,

Now I am at home, I would like to add further detail to the statements
I wrote earlier.


> Dear internet spies,
> I dreamt last night of cycling up too far from any ground on my
> bicycle. Quite disconcerting but I recalled similiar past experiences
> and willed myself to calm down. 
>

I was cycling around a busy town on a sunny cloudy Spring day. I cycled
over something which triggered my launch into the air but I'm not sure
what it was. It may have been the join in the road of a bridge, or
a manhole cover or something else. I would estimate I was floating
around 30 feet in the air. On bringing myself down I skidded on the
roof of several cars and was launched back up again. Each time with less
height than before.


> My enthusiasm for anything is in very short supply and motivation is
> heading the same way.
> 

The decline in enthusiasm and motivation is probably a symptom of all
this.


> I spent a lot of time over this bank holiday weekend playing OpenRA
> against the robot AI. I then attempted to play on the LAN with my
> desktop and Karly's laptop but had problems so setup both to have
> static IP addresses on the LAN. Using telnet I discovered a version
> difference between that running on the laptop and that on the
> desktop. Updating solved problem.
> 
> I'm writing this inbetween making buckets at work. Making a bucket
> imnvolves putting a handle on a bucket hot out the press. Cold
> buckets are much less flexible.
>

The text probably took over an hour and a half to write in total. I had
been stacking up ideas in my mind to write about but the more I wrote
the foggier the original ideas for content became. The injection
moulding machine runs fully automatically. A robot lifts the bucket out
of the machine and drops it behind me on a ramp/platform. These
particular buckets require hand-trimming using a sharp knife and a
deburring tool. Around one bucket produced every minute. Every sentence
written requires catch up time. It means being able to work faster than
necessary. To perform the actions automatically without thinking but
still able to spot the occasional problem.


> Stacks of buckets often give static electrick shocks. Wearing in-ear
> headphones with metal chasis delivers the static shock straight to my
> ear.
> 
> I frequently fantasize about becoming homeless due to bringing upon
> myself a high level of unemployability.
> 

Living in the woods somewhere, off grid, off the land, away from
people. But I don't think there's anywhere remote enough around here
where that would be possible. Besides which as long as I keep going to
work and doing my job I will be ok. 


> I have tendencies to be socially isolated. My job strenghthens these.
> People react by leaving me alone I suspect.
> 
> I'm socially inept.
> 
> After showing Karly how to play OpenRA she defeated me.
> 

The defeat surmised as proof of my social deficiencies. There's
something I'm missing which causes all my problems. Something which
means I don't see something obvious to everyone else. It's only a
fantasy, not anything which can be fixed - despite what might be wanted
to be believed. A tactic for dealing with people, for negotiating.


> I have major confidence issues and speak only in negatives in job
> interviews (or so I'm told). I tell them things they don't want to
> hear.
> 

The logic being the interview works both ways. If they don't want
someone like me then that's not my problem. Perhaps job interviewers
need a reality check? The reality being we all aspire to not work! I
don't have enough experience of lying to people to say the right things
in a job interview. I've always worked in low paid jobs at
shit holes along with (as someone at work said the other day) "people
who can't find work anywhere else". It's because I can't be bothered
with the whole job hunting/interview process and use an
recruitment agency to find work. 


> I decided it better to tell the manging director when he caught me
> using my mobile that I was "googling how to make buckets better" than
> the truth. I didn't expect him to understand what C, GCC, Linux and
> SSH were. (His understanding of mobile tech seemed limited to
> texting).
> 

He was insistent I was txting which I denied. My response to a
perception of a push by him. Enlightening him to technology's ability
to go way beyond mere txting (I doubt he's such a 'luddite' as all this
makes out). Enlightening to the consequence of me spending time doing
other things while I work: it requires better efficiency on my part to
have enough time to use my mobile while in addition, it takes my mind
off the reality of how dull, repetitive and low paid my job actually
is. I perform better when I'm not focusing on the negative aspects of
the job. Fact. (Though sometimes performing the job in an angry manner
can help when struggling to keep up with a fast machine).


> I've been recently worrying about turning forty in three years time.
> It's difficult to believe!
> 

Surely it can't be true? Suddenly I'm nearer to the people I
thought of as in an older age-zone than I'd realized. I've given
others too much age-related-credit. Starting to see people as... not
older. As people. Feeling less insecure. People at work all. A year and
a half in this place. That's how long it's taken. I am slow. A slow
learner. Slow to adapt.


Career wise, let's look at the my successes: as an artist, in the
eleven years since graduation, I've participated in two exhibitions.
Two exhibitions open to anyone and everyone - I couldn't really be
refused! So I've not gone out of my way or taken any risks.

My success in an IT career amounts to two failed job interviews. Woop
woop.


> Well now internet spies I think that's enough for now, until next
> time, best regards, semaj sirrom.
> 

Cheers!
Sirrom Semaj.

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"FYDB"

Content created for the databases of internet spies

Journal entry - 08:56 Wednesday 9 May 2012

DISCLAIMER: The opinions and attitudes of James W. Morris as expressed here in the past may or may not accurately reflect the opinions and attitudes of James W. Morris at present, moreover, they may never have.

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